Life is seasonal: Don't give up during tough seasons.
Taking Charge of Your Life
By Onuora
Guard Your Mind, Guard Your Life
There is a silent, ongoing motive in the world today: to capture your mind and control your body. The Holy Scriptures advise us to “guard our hearts with all diligence, for from it flow the issues of life.” Yet, we see a shift in our world—from valuing the eternal and immaterial to chasing after temporary, material things. Much of our focus has turned to what satisfies us only for the moment.
The Myth of “Young and Stupid”
Have you ever heard the phrase, “I was young and stupid”? It’s used often and met with sympathy. But that’s not love—that’s deception. People who act foolishly rarely realize it in the moment. Saying “I was young and stupid” is often just a defense mechanism.
God’s Word says, “Serve the Lord your God in the days of your youth.” Youth is a critical time—for you, for God, and yes, even for the enemy. Don’t waste time looking for the devil outside yourself. Scripture reminds us, “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
You Always Have a Choice
No one is perfect. That’s part of being human. But we are called to pray and strive so that “the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts” may be acceptable to God. You always have a choice. You always have a say in the direction of your life.
Healing Is Within Reach
Don’t let your past, your trauma, or your bad experiences define you. In Matthew 11:28, Jesus calls: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” In Psalm 9:10, He promises never to abandon those who seek Him. In Isaiah 1:18, God says, “Come, let us settle the matter.”
He is always reaching out. So what’s holding you back?
Reject the Lies of This World
Don’t fall into the trap of pity, victimhood, pseudo-strength, or prodigal living. Take charge. Stay connected to your Source. Don’t build your life on things that give only temporary satisfaction.
Be mindful of what you:
Read
Watch
Listen to
And the company you keep
As the saying goes: “The firewood you gather in summer will keep you warm in winter.” Who will have your back when you’re old and lonely? Are you planning to live your last days in regret and isolation?
A Personal Relationship with Your Maker
Proverbs 3:5-6 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Your denomination doesn’t matter. What matters is a personal relationship with your Maker. He is in you, and you are in Him. It is never too late to pause and reflect on your life, relationships, and purpose.
Remember: There’s no such thing as something for nothing. Work. Pray. Surrender. And let His good will and perfect thoughts be fulfilled in your life.
It is in the nature of man to project his weakness or forces beyond his control to others. When you read about the life of successful billionaires or influential people, you will agree with me that they were men and women who stopped complaining about their situations and started working on them as well as on their personal growth. There is no wind that blows in a favor of a ship without a destination. Remember that success is a result of continued actions filled with continual adjustments.
So, if you are looking for success in any field you must learn to apply these principles. You have to take charge of your life because Life is a do it yourself journey. Men who lack or who have not discovered their purpose in life distract themselves with pleasure.
When it comes to succeeding or achieving success in any area of your life, the first thing is to be intentional about it. Being intentional means to desire success, to be willing to make sacrifice(s) that will get you the required result. It is one thing to set a goal and another thing to get a goal, it all points to making a decisive commitment to put in the work in order to get a good outcome. Galatians 6:7-10, Do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows, whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destructions, whoever sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life, let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. So to overcome a situation, you have to get tired of your situation and ask how can i get through this?, you answer must not just constitute of words but of intentionality and the determination to succeed which will be evident in your daily activities consistently- Be intentional.
Secondly, for you to be resourceful you have to at all times be connected to your source. When you stay connected to your source, he promised in philippians 4:4-9, “Rejoice in the lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! let your gentleness be evident to all. The lord is near, Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whichever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things”. There is nothing he cannot do for you provided you acknowledge him first and are connected to him because cut off from him we can do nothing.
Furthermore, evaluate the people you spend most of your time with. Remember, the people who you habitually spend time with are 95% of the reason you will have success or failure in life. They will either raise you up to become better or tear you down to remain average. Birds of the same feather flocks together, admire people that are already where you want to be and strive to associate with them. When you are in a group where you’re the smartest, you are in the wrong group, personal growth and success are product of association and the desire to be better version of yourself, you must be seen with people that helping you become better. You can’t get to where you need to be by boarding the wrong bus or metro, the truth is that you will get to a destination but definitely not where you needed to be, so have a rethink and choose your friends carefully.
Finally, The most important of all the ladders as far as success is concerned is self awareness and acceptance. When you accept yourself and believe that you are unique in your own way, it will create a momentum that will foster confidence and the understanding of your strength and weakness, exposing you to the available opportunities to focus more on your strength while working on your weakness to become the best version of yourself. It will also enable you to avoid the threats to your growth and use them to your advantage. Remember, self awareness helps you to look inside of you and not focus on outside or peoples opinion of you because no one will look down on you without your permissions. I will leave you to ponder on what you really want you life to be because the two great days in a person’s life is the day he was born and the day he discovers why. Feed your faith and starve your fears because we tend to get in life what we are willing to tolerate. If we don’t have a plan and purpose for our lives, we will become part of someone else’s. You must see value in yourself to add value to yourself.
I recommend you read, John Maxwell 15 invaluable laws…Thank you.
I recently lost a colleague whom I chatted with on Friday of the week she passed. she went on a night out on Saturday hale and hearty and passed on Sunday morning from her sleep. It was a big shock and unexpected news-Well, no one ever expects such news anyways. so I sat down and started pondering on what kind of life we all are living. A life where the next seconds is not even assured.
First of all, I understand that life is a journey, an opportunity to serve God through good acts. we all need each other to survive. However I don’t know about you but I have always been scared of dying unfulfilled because No one knows when and how he is going to die, everyone therefore ought to live everyday to the fullest enjoying every bit and creating memories.
Also ,another disturbing fear is the fear of being an example upon which people will learn, take for instance, being among the first to be affected by a pandemic or epidemic so that others can learn how to avoid it. I mean, I’m happy to be a good example but being an example that will consume me in the end scares me too and am sure no wants that either.
However, having mentioned the above two major fears, the question will be how do we live a fulfilled life and accept whatever life throws at us. The truth still remains that everyone was created for a purpose regardless of how unpleasant your existence appears to be. it might be a clear evidence that you were made to solve that problem so that others coming after you won’t face the same challenges as you. Therefore it is pertinent to always remember you were created for a reason and to strive everyday to find the reasons for your being because a man who lacks purpose in life distract himself with pleasure.
Furthermore, Viktor Frankyl in his book man search for meaning made a great point when he stated that it does not matter what we expected from life , but what life expected from us. He went further to say that we all need to stop asking about the meaning of life and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and hourly, our answers must consist, not just in talk and meditation but in right actions and right conduct. So, I will advice regardless of what your own fear might be, your response must be right and harmless to yourself and others. Don’t allow stress of life make you quit, don’t allow fears, doubt, painful experiences, loss of a loved one deter you from living your life to the fullest. Keep moving everyday regardless because there is no limitations except the ones you set for yourself.
Finally, there is a bigger force than us, he is God and he doesn’t fail. He said he will never abandon anyone who comes to him and have advised us to put him first in everything we do and he will direct our paths. So, Let the words of your mouth and meditations of your heart be acceptable before the lord. Live your life for benefit of your fellow humans and to the glory of God, we are nothing but tools in the hands of our creator.
Believe it or not, there is high rate of family disunity, relationship breakdown and most painfully the abandonment of spouse in the case of challenges or disability. Today, a woman shared a story of how her husband divorced and went away with their children after finding out about her stage 3 cancer diagnosis. Morality would suggest that the lady in question will be supported by her husband more than ever in this critical moment of her life but to her greatest surprise the man flee from her, what a shame. After hearing of these stories one could not help but wonder what has happened to the love for humanity, to the essence of being humane. I was deeply touched by the above story, I reflected on other scenarios when people are left to die on their own in hospitals or even on the street. Obviously there are reasons why people might abandon someone they truly love or claim to love. One would argue that it is a case of decision(s) we take before settling down as seen in some other cases where spouse or partner leave for no obvious reason – just the person’s personality that was unseen by the victim. Then the question would be, what might lead to this and how to avoid it.
In my opinion, I think the major cause of people being abandoned is because priority are placed on transient qualities for lack of better words. This simply means that many people place emphasis on material form of relationship -immediate gratifications. By material form I mean, beauty, wealth, body shape, status , profession etc which can change with circumstances rather than focusing on people’s personality, values, principles and in understanding his or her coping mechanism- how he or she handles stress. Some people live a life of “No skin pain”.
Material things or qualities are good and necessary but they are secondary, seek first to know someone and every other things can be achieved. So if you don’t want to be a lonely old man or woman be realistic in what you want. Stop looking for a saint in the skin of a sinner. A good girl in a body of a prostitute. Also learn to listen to people because words are heart seen, look before you reap for you are a product of the decision you make or did not make . Be sure of what guides or directs your decision, the basis of your decision is as important as the decision itself. Your ability to distinguish between want and need in relationship will actually save you in the long run.
Another reason people end in this quagmire often termed relationship is the false belief that he or she will change with time. There is no such thing as changing in marriage or when he or she begins to have children. People can change, don’t get me wrong but optics and your heart won’t lie to you if you listen to them. Also what will people say is another hook that has held people in a bad relationship,always put yourself first because if anything happens to you, you will be replaced. Make sure you are living your life for yourself and stay where you feel valued and loved, never force anyone to love you.
Finally love is a beautiful feeling, but is not enough on it’s own when making a life time commitment. Be sure your partner will be there for you when the going gets tough and you, be sure to commit to someone you will stand by when you don’t see the beauty, the shape , the wealth anymore. Look beyond physical appearances when trying to settle down, forget what he or she says and listen carefully to their actions. It is no lie that actions speaks louder than voice, prevention is better than cure. Taa bu gboo! In my dialect ( it is never too late to start again though it might not be right but check if it is necessary)
Haven’t you noticed that people get more popular these days once they have passed or gone through difficulty times. it is either people are leaning towards bad news or they have lost the essence of appreciation. Have you worked along the street and see how people are suffering, often than not we are grateful to God that we are not the one suffering or out in the rain. Then when he or she passes people come to the funeral with all kinds of goodwill messages. So what has happened to the humanity part of our existence?. An unexamined life is not worth living, it is important we all start looking after each. Celebrate and appreciate people when they are alive, whatever you do after the person passed is just to please his or her people.
This is a letter from the other side, and by the other side I meant people who have no place to stay, people battling depression, heart breaks and all kinds of existential crisis. Mother Theresa admonishes “if you can’t make it good at least make it look good” be reason for someone’s smile. it is appalling the high level of children now growing up without their fathers or mothers, not that they are dead but because of their irresponsibility and selfishness. To make a mistake is not a mistake but the repetition of the mistake. Have you noticed that people don’t call a spade a spade anymore?. Once you going astray people will gladly allow you, am not saying people should not be held responsible for their actions but what about being our brother’s keeper.
Few days ago, I saw a guy beating his mother over some arguments, he saw me and stopped and when I looked around, I saw a lot of people staring with their phone camera on probably waiting for content to record. Things have really fallen apart, I ask again what has happened to humanity. When I think how all the things we are using today were made or invented by great men of old and will be going on in their minds on how people are using them today, You will agree with me that we are living in a messed-age and we all need a good message. Preachers are all for the money and fame. politician for their selfish interest, what can I say Money rules the world now.
Families are tearing apart, women in the quest of challenging men or trying to be equal to men have lost their sense of being and uniqueness. All men were created equal but roles are different. There is clear difference between equality and equity. social influence have made our families lose their primary and simple role of raising well cultured citizens. The society is a true reflections of how dilapidated our families have become.
I want to ask what happened to morality, shame and humanity. The answer is simple, Freewill happened to them. I propose and advice you today, it is not excusable to do things under the pretense that you are young. Youthful age is the planting time of your life, if you party it away, follow crowds and engage in all kinds of reckless activities, you will harvest misery in your old age. Take responsibility of your life, build a mansion with the stones that people throw at you. Teach people how to treat you, remember this, most people who say hurtful things are seeking for help, they need reassurance maybe they have been subjected to hard life but if you are still working on yourself focus on getting better and don’t allow people’s opinion affect you.
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For further study: Read Morality of living, power within by me
it was Abraham Lincoln who said that the true character of a man is measured by where he stands in times of trials and tribulations not in times of merriment. It is always easy to be positive when things or life is going on well with us but the truth is that easy things don’t make us better, just as gold won’t have its worth until it goes through fire. In other words gold is a precious stone because of the amount or level of fire it has to endure. what will help you when things aren’t going your way and what can keep you going in difficult moments or times is what we are going to explore in this piece of wisdom including some of the principles or facts that could help us stand up tall amidst all hardship.
Mindset is one of the virtues that differentiates great men from the rest, as a man thinketh so he is. You are what think about all the time, how you think and act depends on your mindset and how you perceive things. If you change the way you look things then the things you look at will change.
Apart from having a positive mindset, you also need to guide and know the source of your inspiration or motivation. it is not that which comes out of a man that spoils him but that which enter or he took in that will destroy or hinder him. The kind of music you listen or watch and Your cycle of friends will determine how you behave or act in certain situations, so ask yourself where your source of strength or motivation comes from. Many people make God their source of strength and motivation and believe me they have not regretted it. Worrying doesn’t solve any problem but good decision does. What will guide your decision is your mindset while your mindset will be dependent on your source of inspiration and motivations. Napoleon Hill admonishes that you kill the habit of worry in all its forms by reaching a firm decision that nothing life has to offer is worth the price of worry. when you worry, let the questions in your heart be how do I solve this problem not why did this happen to me. One keeps you in sad mood and lure you into all kinds of diseases while one helps you navigate through the problems and proffer a lasting solutions.
Be happy despite the darts life might throw at you, nothing in life lasts forever. There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy(Robert Louis Stevenson).
If you really want to improve and remain positive despite challenges then you must learn how to meditate on things that matter to you, listen to good music, read daily things that will add value to your life. Also set goals, work on them and celebrate little successes. Finally when things aren’t going your way, sit down and apply this Triple A formular. Acknowledge your present situations and remember the ones you have been through. acknowledge the progress you have made before the challenges. Then appreciate yourself for how far you have come. The huddles you have overcame in the past before the recent challenges. Then allow or give room for improvement. practice only quality people but never look down on anyone.
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Staff nurse chi was furious when the matron told her that Mr Odili whom everyone worked so hard last night resuscitating when conscious could only express fear and not appreciation. What did he say? enquired nurse chi; “well, answered the matron; Mr. Odili is a member of Nursing and midwifery council board of directors, so I think he was worried that knowing his identity and following the ill treatment of nurses in Nigeria that we (nurses) would take it out on him. Nurse chi said we are professionals and have adequate training, our primary role is embedded in Florence nightingale definition of nursing as the act of utilizing the environment of the patient to assist him in his recovery as well as in Virginia Henderson’s of assisting an individual, sick or well, in the performance of those activities contributing to health or its recovery (or to peaceful death) that an individual would perform unaided if he had the necessary strength, will or knowledge. The role of a nurse and nursing has evolved over the years however the fundamentals or principles are still the same, it is all about people and how their environment affect the wellbeing.
I am really ashamed of him for thinking that we would do such thing, also I am glad he is aware they( the board) are treating the nurses really bad, how can a qualified nurse be earning thirty thousand naira($19.36) a month.
well matron, continued nurse chi, he can’t be blamed anyways, I can remember growing up as a child, Often I have heard people say that Nurses are strong, in the street language “dey get mind” she laughed softly. Those days being a nurse was ironically believed to mean “you get mind”( strong or wicked) depending on the situation. Take for instance; one day a woman rushed into the clinic with her only child, the boy had a serious cut on her foot and was bleeding. The child was crying and soon the mother followed suit, then came the nurse with her dressing packs. On sighting the Nurse the child starting bargaining with the nurse,” aunty nurse is going to pain me, please, please…” the nurse reassured him and his mother. The child kept crying and as he was crying the bleeding was increasing, then came the second nurse on duty, who took the child from the mother. The child beckon on his mother with a tune of voice that implies ” mother mother why have you forsaken me”. people in the clinic were murmuring, everyone filled with sympathy for the boy and his mother while the nurses were very empathetic and compassionate in their care. However in the end, the baby boy’s wound was dressed and pain medications as well as injection according to their hospital policy was given. The child and the mother left the hospital happy, the nurses in turn felt satisfied. Everyone was saying that the second nurse was mean and could have done this or done that.
Mr odili might have been among the children whom their parents have threatened with Nurse and their needle, that’s not whom we are. Nurses are trained to be empathetic and sympathetic. To think on the best interest of their patients, guiding them to make right decisions and not making decisions for them except when capacity of the patient is in question.
Nurse chi is now standing in front of mr odili and wife in the reception, she told him to inform the board that Nigerian nurses are working like giants and are being treated like an ants. He should also tell them that we will continue to practice professionally as we were trained but it will be nice if everyone does their own job.
Mr odili didn’t promise anything but from the look in his eyes, he is as helpless as the rest of the citizens.
This piece is just to highlight how Nurses are perceived in Nigeria or should i say how some of our actions are unconsciously affecting the way medical personal are being perceived. Parents especially those in rural areas should be informed that Nurses are trained to preserve life and promote safety. They are not instrument or tools to threaten children. many of us from don’t go to hospital because as a child we grew up with the fear of needles and the nurses as well.
It is true that Nigeria nurses are facing difficulty or challenging situations but that has not in any way affected their professionalism. Lets love those who despite their own problems, difficulty have continued to render services to humanity, the medical personnel, police, teachers , etc. let love lead..
let me know how you perceived Nurses in your childhood and why?
As a child growing up in a remote environment we were threatened with the words like, “if you cry i will take you to the nurse”, no one wants to go there because nurses were known to give injections, and i have not really seen anyone who enjoys having medication let alone injections. so, I have always known nurses to be strong people and literally wicked, if not wickedness while will someone bent on inflicting pain on another person. Then as a child when you get injured from playing or had a broken leg, like everyone would agree bone pain is the highest but not to these group of people ( Nurses), they ensure the bones are reduced properly. many at times, you do realize how lovely and caring they were when have been discharged.
The aim of an argument should not be victory, but progress said Karl popper; With the recent happenings about divorce, paternity and maternity fraud, one would be tempted to believe that there is no such thing as love, loyalty or trust in a relationship anymore. The worrisome thing about this quagmire especially as it concerns divorce is the impact it has on the spouse, the family and most importantly the children that wasn't part of the love rollercoaster in the first place, of course their voices are not heard, they are always blamed for acting out. Can you say that parents were selfish by divorcing or separating without thinking about how it would impact on their children or should the children be happy that at least their parents separated peacefully and he or she can boast of having a two people who claims to love him or her but have vowed they would never stay together?.it is either we are not thinking or we have chosen to ignore the implications of this current trend with the intention of joining a support group for our mental health. I strongly believe that no one is impeccable however there is a saying in my village that when an anomaly or a sacrilege lasts for a year it will be mistaken for a norm (Aru gbaa afo o buru omenala). The increase in the rate of relationship breakdown is alarming, hence the need for reflection on what could be the cause of this and possible way to reduce it.
I know you might be wondering whether the writer's aim is to blame people who divorce or people who commit paternity/maternity fraud without considering the impact on their children. On the contrary this piece will focus more on factors that might predispose or expose some to these problems and proffer a possible and practical way to preventing it. So the write up is basically to appeal to you to always look before you reap. I will base my analysis on the love triangle develop by Robert Sternberg, without quoting him word to word. we will also explore the good and real reasons behind people actions and how this have contributed to the whole relationship dilemma and break down, all these and more will be explored in the following paragraphs.
Before getting into a relationship.
it is pertinent for better understanding that i will be writing in the context of marriage or committed relationship. In the beginning before you even thinking of getting married or settling down as it is often referred to, you should be intentional. it is excusable if you are not in the first stage of the love triangle however you might attract blames if you end up with someone without clear reasons why you did. Most importantly, the basis of your reasons or intention is what will determine the extent at which your relationship will go. Take for instance, you love someone because of his or her look, and how people see you or rate you when you with him or her, in other words your reasons are his status that you enjoy, what happens when the status are no longer there?, your guess is as good as mine and that's exactly my point. when you base your decisions on physical qualities alone you just set up yourself for failure. Everyone experiences these three stages of love but the problem is that most people mistake one for the other without necessarily asking or answering the necessary questions that each stage requires or poses before them.
The first part of the love triangle is passion. The period is filled with a lot of physical attractions, this is the time in my culture when they believed that the eyes and beautiful things are in great covenant with each other( anya n'ihe di mma gbara ndu). Sex can happen here, it is the time of long lasting phone calls, early morning text messages, sending and requesting of your pictures etc. It is important to know that what you feel at this stage is not enough for you to believe that someone really love you. This is actually genesis of the whole journey, it is purely physical, hence the name passion. People tell you what you want to hear andin order to get what they also want, You hear things like, "I love the way he makes me feel, he is fun to be with, he makes laugh and so on and so forth." is this stage important? Yes, if he or she makes me feel this way does it mean he is the one? No, but it is a good way to start. Remember it is easier to identify this stage when you don't find the person attractive or your mind is not crowded with selfish thoughts and wants. a lot of factors influences this stage, but most importantly is your friends. if everything goes on well in this stage, there is no specific time it should last however it is the quickest to start and fastest to fade away especially with someone that has intentions of settling down. it is good to be a child but very bad to remain a child, too much of everything is bad. Never base your decision to marry anyone because of how he makes you feel about yourself or the pleasure you enjoy in this stage, when more important things come in, it will reduce or even stop, however it can be rekindle if other stages are solid.
Passion is followed by intimacy; here you have had sex and have spent a lot of time together while in the passion phase. it is important I say this, some people don't know when to start getting intimate or should I say the word intimacy have been erroneously taken to mean "Sexual intercourse", No; that has already started in the passion stage. it is at this stage that you look out for his or her interest, you build trust and check if you can trust this person. this stage is more to evaluating his or her values, what they stand for. it will go beyond being physical to being emotionally connected. Keywords here are care, interest, compassion, companionship, trust and growth, you take care of yourselves for each other. you learn how to respect each others boundaries, priority sets in. it is at this point the need to be with him or her will not entirely be based on just physical qualities alone, his or personality is taken into consideration. love is defined here, you understand what love means for each other, most men will love and would want to be with a woman who loves ( respect and loyal) them, while women will prefer to be with a man who loves( care and emotional security)them as well. The words in parenthesis are what each gender perceive as love. Take for example, when a woman finish eating and the husband takes the plate and wash them, she feels he cares her and perceive it as love while if it is the other way round, the man feels she respects him and also see it as love, same action different perception. whatever you are able to make out in this first and second stage will guide your decision. The important factor that will guide you is your self concepts, how your perceive yourself (self worth and self esteem) as a lady and a gentle man, it doesn't have to happen in order but the onus lies on you to always ascertain which stage you are, that's why you hear things like, lets step it up or step it down. Don't ignore the warning signs, he lashes out in little argument or she never ask you about your goals or plans, etc and you believe he or she will change with time; Personality can be modified but you can't change who you are. If there is anytime to end a relationship, it is this time, not when babies have come into play, you then suddenly realize, you can't stay anymore.
The last stage is decision/ commitment, if everything have gone on well, decision making comes into place. This is what I call realistic evaluation of self and situations. This is when you decide to be his girlfriend or boyfriend. The quality of your relationship will be contingent on the reasons you based your decisions. when you base you decision on passion only, without checking if this person actually cares for you. Passion ends as fast as it started, it doesn't last and decision shouldn't be based on this stage alone. After your analysis, you can decide to date this person but never to marry him or her, if these person is also evaluating the relationship as well, he or she should as well be certain where it is going or at least have a clue from your actions. Commitment is the last stage, I can bet many people realized this part very late, some is when they are already married hence the high rate of divorce and words like, "I never knew he was a monster," "she is a gold digger," it is our nature as human beings to project blames and try to separate ourselves from blames
some however, do see all these signs, but the fear of what people will say, status that they enjoy or the fallacy that he or she might change crowd their judgement. Before you commit to a man or a woman, ensure you have clearly and honestly evaluated your relationship, it is not enough to want to marry, the plan should be to stayed married. No matter how you want to see it, the trauma, pains or mental breakdown that comes with breakups, divorce, separation, paternity/maternity fraud are all preventable.
I personal believe that history repeat itself because we fail to learn from it. I want you to know that people have good reasons and real reasons while they do things. it is pertinent to carryout self evaluation as well as relationship evaluation, be intentional and know what you want. Always seek out the real reason while people are with you not just the good reasons. Take for instance, when you are looking for a job, you want the job for you to be able to pay your bills and take care of your needs (real reasons) but when asked during interview, "why should we employ you?" you give them the good reasons, you say things like, I have passion for this job, I hold master degree etc., however you get employed when your good reason matches their real reasons, same applies in a relationship, you have to know yourself, know what you want and look for it. Let your reasons be based on something or factor that is beyond physical. I understand that sometimes it is difficult because of familial factors, spiritual directors( pastors and reverends) interfering with your decisions, these are people whom you can't disappoint but the painful truth is that at the end, it is still your life and whatever decision you take will determine how your enjoy it. Aristotle said its choice not chance that determines your destiny. I will conclude with the words of Christopher Walkens, if you knew how quickly people forget the dead, you would stop living to impress people, there is a lot of lonely couples out there, forever is too longer to be unhappy.
Recommendations:
I will recommend you focus on working on yourself, have a life before you become a wife. Think before you act, if you are not ready to settle down play safe, and foster open communication with yourself and your partner, the only person that can't lie to you is yourself. In the event you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, seek for professional help, talk to your parents, and most importantly take everything to God in prayers.
No one is perfect, and marriage is between two imperfect people striving to be perfect for each other.
Learn the act of tolerance, sacrifice, honest and open communication, understanding and above all always remember to base your decisions on factors beyond physical, these should be mutual between the lovers.
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Silence can communicate as much information as talking can do, people have always been advised to speak only when it is necessary or when you have something meaningful to say. The truth is that everyone has something to say but it might be out of context, so there is need to think before you act. The bible advised us to be quick to listen but slow to speak emphasis the need to process information before we let it out, because once a word is out, even when taken back the effect have already been felt, words are mind seen.
When I started working as a nurse after graduation one of the matrons called me and said, “dee James, open your eyes, open your ears but close your mouth, if you really want to survive in this work environment,” she gave me the advice based on the environment and the setting we were in then. However it is not in every situation that you keep quiet hence the saying “a closed mouth is a closed destiny”; Nevertheless it is important we listen more not just with our ears but with our minds as well.
we are going to explore how our thoughts, behaviors and attitudes affects our ability to listen effectively, also we will look at perception and understanding and how to apply it in our everyday life to promote good relationship and know why people act out of context some times.
Thoughts begot actions, action and reaction are equal but opposite according to newton third law of motion. it is important to note that environment, religion, experience and society helps to shape how one thinks or act in a given situation. Someone who came from a lovely family and have lived in a developed nations will definitely view life different from someone who have to struggle to eat everyday, this is where understanding comes in, you have to understand that for every person you meet, he or she has his or her peculiar experience that is unique to them. Arguments arises when there is misunderstanding and when everyone is struggling to be heard, you can never take a man’s experience from him, you just have to understand it.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change. As a man thinketh, so he is, you are what you think about all the time, so for you to actually understand someone you have to first of all understand yourself, control your thoughts to focus on your strength and understand that everyone is a work in progress. Don’t make the mistake of depending on someone to change you, you can seek help yes, but the majority of the work will be done by you. I will share some tips that will help you improve your thinking about yourself and the world around you in the summary paragraph.
Secondly, it is pertinent to understand that behaviors harbor information or unmet needs as well appreciation or gratitude about something. some people don’t talk much but communicates more non-verbally, when you learn to listen with your mind, you will pay more attention to people’s attitudes and behaviors towards you and things. so before you argue or fight with your friend, spouse, child etc.; try to find out why the change in behavior, and listen not just on what they have to say but pay more attention to their expression.
Some behaviors or actions are usually a means to get attention, take for instance, a child that needs the parent attention might start to cry, the adolescents ones might put up a challenging behaviors however often at times, parents result to resentment but if you pay more attention to them, you will realize he or she just need you more than the money or food that you provide. Sometimes it is not our parents fault entirely because nobody knows it all, remember what I said about experience, they must have been suffering all their lives and I have made a vow that their children wont experience same hence the need to communicate with them by trying to ask yourself how you can pass your information without causing any harm to yourself or others.
However what am trying to establish is that behind every behavior that is perceived as negative there is an unmet needs or cry for help, and it is when people focus more on the outer expression of the behaviors that conditions such as depression, divorce, aggression or even suicide sets in but if you Look beyond what people show or say, that is; you have to listen with the intension to understanding the person not to correct, argue or make your point known immediately. Even if you claim to be right, the first to complain or act out should be apologized to first, then explain reasons behind your actions afterwards, when you apologies make sure you back it up with reasons why you acted the way you did and what you have learnt , otherwise apology is not complete.
Another element that constitute effective communication and enhance Good relationship is perception. Perception is simply how you view, interprets, processes things or information, all which will be dependent on your experience, environment, level of education, wit or training. Everyone is right in their own eyes or understanding, so who is wrong?.
people have different ways of expressing their needs, wants or stress. This is unique and varies among individuals, the onus lies on you to learn or develop the habit of treating everyone individually and try as much as possible to understand people’s point of view, you are allowed to disagree but disagree respectfully explaining politely why you disagreed if need be and the context involved.
In summary, listening with your mind is simply treating everyone as a whole not just in parts. it is based on the understanding that we are all unique and different in our ways of thinking, perception and behaviors. The way we perceive things will determine how we will respond to it. The aim of this article is encourage you to think before you act, learn to see things sometimes from your friends, partner, spouse, mother, father, brother, sister etc point of view before making your point or speaking up, by doing so, you will find out how best to handle a situation. Your girlfriend is yelling and crying, your actions will depend on how you analyze it and looking beyond that yelling, to see what could have caused her to do that especially when it is unusual or repetitive.
Recommendation:
Carry out SWOT analysis on yourself, work out your strength( positive attitude) weakness ( negative or challenging behaviors), opportunity ( things available to support you: eg mentor etc.) and Threat ( things that this behaviors especially weakness will affect or cause you lose). the aim of this exercise is to allow you work more on yourself by focusing on your strength and turning your weaknesses into strength.
Develop the attitude of reading books that will help you each day to become better for yourself, believe in yourself and trust in God. Don’t complain no one owns you anything, there is a saying that no one will look down on you without your permission, Teach your partner how to treat your and learn to treat people the way the want to be treated except when it is not in their best interest.
Treat people with respect and always strive to understand people, not always in your own way, when you listen with intention to learn and understand, you will avoid so many arguments, break-ups, and be bold to face Reality shock. THANK YOU.
It was prof chinua achebe who said that “until the lions begin to narrate their own stories the hunters will always take the glory. Socrates also added thatit is the characteristics of an educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it, furthermore it is important we all know that the true sign of intelligence is the awareness of one’s own ignorance. I have observed over the years the incessant conflict between Christians and the traditional believers or worshippers. The argument of what is good and what is evil, who will go to heaven and who will go to hell, God is real and God is not real, so on and so forth.
I have taken my time to examine the situation in order to understand the stance of their arguments or should I say the basis of their disagreement, and how it has helped to improve the livelihood of the common man in the street ever since it started. The most annoying thing is that even among the so called believers there are still divisions or should I say various denominations, I know that a house that is divided among itself cannot stand, the lords idea was based on the principles of separation of powers ( working separately but collectively), it was not for us to fight and kill ourselves thus he said pray for your enemies to change but you have be vigilant at all times it doesn’t make you a coward, (Nkwucha abughi ujo).
So over the years, I have seen some many people use the name of the lord in vain, fake miracles, rituals, match making, broken families and homes, children abandoning their parents and vice versa all in the name of revelation or prophesy etc. I know that the bible warns that not all who call him father, father, will enter the kingdom and he has advised we look before you reap. There are so many examples where both the traditional worshippers and Christians have erred but the essence of this writing is to share my thoughts on what I think is important in living as human beings regardless of what you believe or who you worship. When it comes to similarities, every religion condemns evils, but what makes a thing evil depends on the culture, social and morality of the people or area that is why i believe that to worship God effectively you must first understand your people’s ways of life. However everyone condemns killing and agrees with 10 commandments of God, if this is the case why have we chosen to fight for God instead of using the talents he gave us to serve him and humanity.
In my opinion
Jesus teaching was based on principles and is devoid of emotions or sentiments. Humans are emotional as well as spiritual beings I believe, however the problem is that human beings do apply the pleasure principle when serving God. According to Freudian psychoanalysis, pleasure principle is the instinctive seeking of pleasure, avoiding of pain to satisfy biological and psychological needs just like in id, this explains why we pray and hand everything to God, trying to escape our own part, “no skin pain”. Many preachers understood this, hence the prosperity preaching, positive affirmation preaching, fear have engulfed the whole church or children of God simply because they don’t want to suffer. Man or men of God have made themselves demi-gods, leading people away instead of bringing them to God, enriching themselves while their followers are busy sowing in faith. Viktor E. Frankl in his book Man’s search for meaning admonishes that it does not matter what we expect from life, but what life expected from us. He went further to say that we all need to stop asking about the meaning of life and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life- daily and hourly, our answer must consist , not in talk and meditations but in right action and right conduct.
I also learnt and believe that death is not the opposite of life, death is the opposite of birth and both happen within life, do not allow yourself to exist and go without making any input in people’s life, irrespective of your belief, listen to your minister but endeavor to establish a relationship with God, you can also talk to him Fear is the main reason people are fighting each other instead of becoming Christ-like or practicing the principles of their own religion, if all the people in the church, mosque, or shrine depending on your place of worship are all doing the right thing, then where are the evil ones?. Before Christ was crucified he cried and pleaded the cup should be taken away, but the will of God is that faith without work is useless. We shouldn’t pray against challenges of life but the grace to face it and enjoy the glory at last( this does not imply when you die.) you should be able to make plans you can see its benefit reflect on your life and that of others alive. When you are in Christ you suffer with hope, Emotion which is suffering ,ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it thus says Spinoza. Provided your suffering or pain is justifiable , it ceases to be seen as suffering. No one likes exam but when you have studied for it and have pictured the joy you will have when the result comes out, reading becomes fun.
In summary, I cannot explore the need for us to pause and think for a minute, and ask ourselves questions. who is in charge of my life? look around the world, the way we are living now is it the way human beings are supposed to be living? in Maslow hierarchy of needs pyramid, physiological needs were the basic ( food, clothing, good hospital, shelter, good education etc) the church and Government have stopped providing all these basic amenities while cruising in private jets, mansions, going around with securities and instructing angels to protect you? THINK AND ACT.
So instead of fighting our differences let us all work to strengthen our common values. Lets respect each other’s believe and seek to be better ourselves. My African brothers lets us make our land like the heaven we all want to go. Whether heaven is real or not should not be our argument but let the competition of building heaven-like edifice on our various countries, obey the laws here as you would do when you finally go to heaven, build hospitals, schools, help the needy, let our relationship with God not be transactional all the time, do this, do that for me and I will praise you. ,
let the Eagle perch as well as the kite, no one should obstruct each other because path may cross but lane differs.( Egbe belu ,ugo belu ,nke si ibeya ebena nku kwa ya).
Pen it down. 