There are three aspects of our existence I want to draw your attention to: behaviour, identity, and intention.
Many times, we are unaware of how our well-intended actions negatively affect others. We may mean well, but our behaviour can still cause harm if it does not align with the needs or expectations of the person receiving it.
Let me illustrate this with a short story.
A 98-year-old woman was receiving treatment in the hospital for a chronic illness. She was under palliative care and had come to terms with the fact that she was approaching the end of her life. Most of the people she had grown up with—including her siblings and close friends—had already passed away. She had lived a full life and felt at peace with her journey.
One day, as a deeply religious nurse attended to her, the woman said, “I can’t wait to die and join my friends over there.”
Without hesitation, the nurse replied, “God forbid! You will not die. You will live to enjoy the fruit of your labour.”
Instead of being comforted, the elderly woman became confused and upset. She later reported the nurse to her supervisor, saying the nurse had given her false hope and wished for her to remain bedridden in this world.
Now ask yourself: Was the nurse’s intention bad? Obviously not.
Did her response benefit the patient? Unfortunately, no.
This story teaches us an important lesson: whether a behaviour is perceived as good or bad does not depend solely on the intention behind it. It also depends on how the recipient experiences it.
Here is another example.
A young boy was constantly mocked by his playmates because he had only one eye. They nicknamed him “Emma Otu Anya” (Emma One Eye).
One day, he asked his mother, “Mummy, what happened to my eye?”
His mother explained that when he was a toddler, he had been playing with a kitchen knife and accidentally injured himself.
The boy then asked, “Why didn’t you take the knife away from me?”
His mother replied, “You were crying and throwing tantrums.”
The child looked at her and asked, “Would I still be crying till today?”
His mother’s eyes filled with tears as she apologised, overwhelmed with regret.
Sometimes, our desire to avoid a child’s temporary discomfort can lead to lifelong consequences. Good intentions alone are not always enough.
Our behaviour is one of the strongest forms of communication. Yet many of us assume that because we have good intentions or see ourselves as good people, our actions must automatically be right.
The truth is this: people experience your behaviour first. Your intentions and your identity are known mainly to you. Others judge what you do, not necessarily why you do it.
That is why it is important to ensure your behaviour reflects your values and intentions as clearly as possible.
Understanding this principle also helps you know when to react and when to respond. It enables you to respect other people’s choices, decisions, and perspectives, even when they seem unwise from your point of view.
Consider another example.
A man was advised to stop smoking and drinking alcohol. His response was, “What is the gain in dying with healthy lungs and a healthy liver?”
The goal should not be to force him to change. Rather, it is to ensure he understands the consequences of his choices. Once people have accurate information, they can make informed decisions. If they are genuinely struggling, you can then offer meaningful support instead of imposing your own expectations.
Ultimately, it is important to build a healthy relationship with yourself. Ensure that your identity, intentions, and behaviour are aligned. At the same time, recognise that people may want something different from what you have to offer—and that deserves respect.
So before offering advice or support, first make sure it aligns with what the other person actually needs.
The easiest way to do this is by asking:
“How can I best support you?”
You may be surprised by the answers.
Sometimes people simply say:
- “Just stay with me.”
- “Hold my hand.”
- “Just listen to me.”
- Or, in our Nigerian way, “Make I drop aza.” 😊
Not everyone needs advice. Sometimes they simply need your presence.
The only time you have a greater responsibility to make certain decisions on behalf of another person is when raising young children, especially toddlers who have not yet developed the capacity to understand consequences or communicate their needs effectively.
As children grow, nurture their imagination instead of sowing seeds of doubt. The preschool child who dreams of building heaven on earth does not need ridicule—they need guidance.
Listen to yourself, but also listen carefully to others. Ask questions. Find out what they truly need from you. If you can help, do so in a way that meets their need—not merely your intention.
Have you ever done something you believed was kind or helpful, only to be blamed or misunderstood for it?
If yes, how did you handle it?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please share your experience in the comments.
I remain your friend and brother,
Maazi Onuora Obodoechi
Pen it down. 