Detachment Guilt: A Factor Contributing to Relationship Breakdown 🌸💖

There has always been a desire to offer advice to others based on personal relationship experiences. Recently, however, there has been a noticeable rise in relationship breakdowns, role confusion, and leadership struggles among couples. This raises an important question: Who are you modelling your relationship after, and what was your ideal vision of marriage before you got married? 🌸💖

Some people grew up in families where the father allowed the mother to manage finances, while others came from homes where the father was the sole administrator. The issue is not necessarily where you came from—although it can influence how you begin your own family if you are not aware of it. The real challenge lies in failing to recognise that your parents’ model should only be one option, not a fixed or sacred blueprint. This is what I refer to as detachment bias or guilt 🌸💖

Detachment bias also manifests when individuals enter a new relationship and struggle to balance the needs of their new, fragile family with those of their parents and siblings. In many cases, the new family suffers because of a lingering sense of guilt—especially for firstborns—who feel they are abandoning their parents or siblings 🌸💖

Another sign of detachment bias is the assumption that because siblings quarrel in a certain way, the same tone or approach can be used with a spouse. Yes, conflicts will arise in relationships, but it is important to always remember that your spouse is not your sibling. While they may be your friend, they are first and foremost your partner. Therefore, conflict resolution should be guided by the values and structure of the family you are building—not the one you came from 🌸💖

During courtship, it is essential to truly learn and understand your partner, while also being aware of this detachment bias. Rather than adopting a “one-size-fits-all” mentality, couples should sit down and have intentional conversations about the kind of family they want to build together 🌸💖

Here are some uncomfortable truths you must face if you truly want to overcome detachment guilt or bias:

1. You and your siblings belong to your father’s family, but you must prioritise your own family without neglecting your roots. A healthy balance can look like an 80/20 proportion—giving 80% of your attention to your immediate family and 20% to your parents and siblings 🌸💖
2. Every family needs leadership. Allow your husband to lead, as you likely chose him because you believed in his leadership ability. At the same time, be a supportive and wise partner. A good spouse complements their partner, while a foolish one exposes their weaknesses for public sympathy 🌸💖
3. Personality and character matter more than physical or material things. Always think long-term—when beauty fades, when life changes your body, or when strength is no longer what it used to be. What truly sustains a relationship is companionship and emotional support. Today, many people are in relationships yet feel emotionally empty and lonely. Decide what you truly want in life and invest in it. Do not wait to say, “If I knew then what I know now.” Act now while the opportunity is before you 🌸💖

There is no single formula for a successful relationship. It requires effort, patience, tolerance, and, most importantly, mutual consideration. If you desire a peaceful home, you must be willing to create and sustain that peace 🌸💖

As the Igbo highlife legend Chief Dr. Oliver De Coque once said, “Elecha aghara bu uto”—forgiveness and tolerance bring peace 🌸💖

We all need one another to be happy and fulfilled. Do not push away a good partner simply because they are not yet where you expect them to be, especially when they are genuinely trying. Support your spouse, encourage them, cooperate, and nurture your home. There is no perfect human—only the one we are willing to build with 🌸💖

Finally, set your priorities right. Choose your circle wisely. Invest your time and energy into your family and children—they are the future you see today. Create your own system for leading your family, and before you settle down, have a clear model of the kind of family you want and are willing to build. This will guide you in choosing and accepting the right partner 🌸💖

Marry who you need, not just who you want—because forever is too long to be unhappy 🌸💖

I remain your friend and brother,
Maazi Onuora Obodoechi 🌸💖