The aim of an argument should not be victory, but progress said Karl popper; With the recent happenings about divorce, paternity and maternity fraud, one would be tempted to believe that there is no such thing as love, loyalty or trust in a relationship anymore. The worrisome thing about this quagmire especially as it concerns divorce is the impact it has on the spouse, the family and most importantly the children that wasn't part of the love rollercoaster in the first place, of course their voices are not heard, they are always blamed for acting out. Can you say that parents were selfish by divorcing or separating without thinking about how it would impact on their children or should the children be happy that at least their parents separated peacefully and he or she can boast of having a two people who claims to love him or her but have vowed they would never stay together?.it is either we are not thinking or we have chosen to ignore the implications of this current trend with the intention of joining a support group for our mental health. I strongly believe that no one is impeccable however there is a saying in my village that when an anomaly or a sacrilege lasts for a year it will be mistaken for a norm (Aru gbaa afo o buru omenala). The increase in the rate of relationship breakdown is alarming, hence the need for reflection on what could be the cause of this and possible way to reduce it.I know you might be wondering whether the writer's aim is to blame people who divorce or people who commit paternity/maternity fraud without considering the impact on their children. On the contrary this piece will focus more on factors that might predispose or expose some to these problems and proffer a possible and practical way to preventing it. So the write up is basically to appeal to you to always look before you reap. I will base my analysis on the love triangle develop by Robert Sternberg, without quoting him word to word. we will also explore the good and real reasons behind people actions and how this have contributed to the whole relationship dilemma and break down, all these and more will be explored in the following paragraphs.Before getting into a relationship.
it is pertinent for better understanding that i will be writing in the context of marriage or committed relationship. In the beginning before you even thinking of getting married or settling down as it is often referred to, you should be intentional. it is excusable if you are not in the first stage of the love triangle however you might attract blames if you end up with someone without clear reasons why you did. Most importantly, the basis of your reasons or intention is what will determine the extent at which your relationship will go. Take for instance, you love someone because of his or her look, and how people see you or rate you when you with him or her, in other words your reasons are his status that you enjoy, what happens when the status are no longer there?, your guess is as good as mine and that's exactly my point. when you base your decisions on physical qualities alone you just set up yourself for failure. Everyone experiences these three stages of love but the problem is that most people mistake one for the other without necessarily asking or answering the necessary questions that each stage requires or poses before them. The first part of the love triangle is passion. The period is filled with a lot of physical attractions, this is the time in my culture when they believed that the eyes and beautiful things are in great covenant with each other( anya n'ihe di mma gbara ndu). Sex can happen here, it is the time of long lasting phone calls, early morning text messages, sending and requesting of your pictures etc. It is important to know that what you feel at this stage is not enough for you to believe that someone really love you. This is actually genesis of the whole journey, it is purely physical, hence the name passion. People tell you what you want to hear andin order to get what they also want, You hear things like, "I love the way he makes me feel, he is fun to be with, he makes laugh and so on and so forth." is this stage important? Yes, if he or she makes me feel this way does it mean he is the one? No, but it is a good way to start. Remember it is easier to identify this stage when you don't find the person attractive or your mind is not crowded with selfish thoughts and wants. a lot of factors influences this stage, but most importantly is your friends. if everything goes on well in this stage, there is no specific time it should last however it is the quickest to start and fastest to fade away especially with someone that has intentions of settling down. it is good to be a child but very bad to remain a child, too much of everything is bad. Never base your decision to marry anyone because of how he makes you feel about yourself or the pleasure you enjoy in this stage, when more important things come in, it will reduce or even stop, however it can be rekindle if other stages are solid.Passion is followed by intimacy; here you have had sex and have spent a lot of time together while in the passion phase. it is important I say this, some people don't know when to start getting intimate or should I say the word intimacy have been erroneously taken to mean "Sexual intercourse", No; that has already started in the passion stage. it is at this stage that you look out for his or her interest, you build trust and check if you can trust this person. this stage is more to evaluating his or her values, what they stand for. it will go beyond being physical to being emotionally connected. Keywords here are care, interest, compassion, companionship, trust and growth, you take care of yourselves for each other. you learn how to respect each others boundaries, priority sets in. it is at this point the need to be with him or her will not entirely be based on just physical qualities alone, his or personality is taken into consideration. love is defined here, you understand what love means for each other, most men will love and would want to be with a woman who loves ( respect and loyal) them, while women will prefer to be with a man who loves( care and emotional security)them as well. The words in parenthesis are what each gender perceive as love. Take for example, when a woman finish eating and the husband takes the plate and wash them, she feels he cares her and perceive it as love while if it is the other way round, the man feels she respects him and also see it as love, same action different perception. whatever you are able to make out in this first and second stage will guide your decision. The important factor that will guide you is your self concepts, how your perceive yourself (self worth and self esteem) as a lady and a gentle man, it doesn't have to happen in order but the onus lies on you to always ascertain which stage you are, that's why you hear things like, lets step it up or step it down. Don't ignore the warning signs, he lashes out in little argument or she never ask you about your goals or plans, etc and you believe he or she will change with time; Personality can be modified but you can't change who you are. If there is anytime to end a relationship, it is this time, not when babies have come into play, you then suddenly realize, you can't stay anymore. The last stage is decision/ commitment, if everything have gone on well, decision making comes into place. This is what I call realistic evaluation of self and situations. This is when you decide to be his girlfriend or boyfriend. The quality of your relationship will be contingent on the reasons you based your decisions. when you base you decision on passion only, without checking if this person actually cares for you. Passion ends as fast as it started, it doesn't last and decision shouldn't be based on this stage alone. After your analysis, you can decide to date this person but never to marry him or her, if these person is also evaluating the relationship as well, he or she should as well be certain where it is going or at least have a clue from your actions. Commitment is the last stage, I can bet many people realized this part very late, some is when they are already married hence the high rate of divorce and words like, "I never knew he was a monster," "she is a gold digger," it is our nature as human beings to project blames and try to separate ourselves from blamessome however, do see all these signs, but the fear of what people will say, status that they enjoy or the fallacy that he or she might change crowd their judgement. Before you commit to a man or a woman, ensure you have clearly and honestly evaluated your relationship, it is not enough to want to marry, the plan should be to stayed married. No matter how you want to see it, the trauma, pains or mental breakdown that comes with breakups, divorce, separation, paternity/maternity fraud are all preventable.I personal believe that history repeat itself because we fail to learn from it. I want you to know that people have good reasons and real reasons while they do things. it is pertinent to carryout self evaluation as well as relationship evaluation, be intentional and know what you want. Always seek out the real reason while people are with you not just the good reasons. Take for instance, when you are looking for a job, you want the job for you to be able to pay your bills and take care of your needs (real reasons) but when asked during interview, "why should we employ you?" you give them the good reasons, you say things like, I have passion for this job, I hold master degree etc., however you get employed when your good reason matches their real reasons, same applies in a relationship, you have to know yourself, know what you want and look for it. Let your reasons be based on something or factor that is beyond physical. I understand that sometimes it is difficult because of familial factors, spiritual directors( pastors and reverends) interfering with your decisions, these are people whom you can't disappoint but the painful truth is that at the end, it is still your life and whatever decision you take will determine how your enjoy it. Aristotle said its choice not chance that determines your destiny. I will conclude with the words of Christopher Walkens, if you knew how quickly people forget the dead, you would stop living to impress people, there is a lot of lonely couples out there, forever is too longer to be unhappy.
Recommendations:
I will recommend you focus on working on yourself, have a life before you become a wife. Think before you act, if you are not ready to settle down play safe, and foster open communication with yourself and your partner, the only person that can't lie to you is yourself. In the event you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, seek for professional help, talk to your parents, and most importantly take everything to God in prayers.
No one is perfect, and marriage is between two imperfect people striving to be perfect for each other.
Learn the act of tolerance, sacrifice, honest and open communication, understanding and above all always remember to base your decisions on factors beyond physical, these should be mutual between the lovers.
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Pen it down. 