It is very common today to hear people say, “Don’t judge me by my past.” Most people find it difficult to look back, let alone reflect on who they used to be. However, there are others who deliberately look back, not to remain stuck in the past, but to draw strength from the little progress they have made and the failures they have experienced along the way.
In today’s discussion, we will look at how our words and actions impact other people, and how we can develop a tough skin by setting and maintaining clear boundaries with people who talk down to others.
When Oliver finished secondary school, he attended a house party where he observed the lives and behaviours of some of his classmates. After returning home, he decided to write his first book, titled Reasons Why People Fail: A Manual to Living a Successful Life. The book was written in accordance with Christian principles and the basic law of cause and effect.
Oliver was very happy and proud of himself for having written a book so soon after secondary school. Everyone was surprised to learn about it. As people began making requests for copies and placing orders to support him, one of his closest friends, Peter, showed little or no interest.
So Oliver asked Peter if he would like to read the new book and, at least, give him a constructive assessment.
Peter started laughing and asked his friend a question:
“How can you write a book about success when you have not succeeded yourself?”
At that moment, Oliver felt hurt. He pondered Peter’s question for a while and began thinking about the struggles he was experiencing at that point in his life. The person he thought would be happiest and most supportive seemed to be the person who doubted him the most.
This is a classic example of the saying that it is often someone close to you who will tell you whether your mouth smells or not.
Oliver had two choices: he could either feel sorry for himself or take his friend’s words as a challenge and define success for himself.
There is another example that comes to mind. We often put on a mean face either to hide our shyness or to reveal what is going on within us.
I am not advocating that we should laugh all the time, but I believe in having a warm, welcoming and approachable face that makes it easier for people to relate to us.
Many times, because of the high rate of crime and deception in society, we equate toughness with having a mean face. On the contrary, true toughness comes from an intelligent and wise mind.
From the example above, you can see that Peter believed there was no point in writing a book about success without first physically achieving what he considered to be success. This perspective prevented him from recognising that Oliver had already achieved something significant: he had created a book, a form of value that could eventually lead to monetary success.
So, what can we learn from this story?
I will put it the way Donald Trump once said: “The more people tell you it is not possible and that it can’t be done, the more determined you should be to prove them wrong.”
There is also a responsibility to pause and reflect before we speak to someone, because our words can either make or mar a person’s life. This is why the Bible teaches us to be quick to listen but slow to speak.
How, then, should you handle people who constantly doubt you or talk down to you?
The highest form of motivation is intrinsic motivation. It is important to remember that people often speak from their own perspective. They do not know everything about you, your journey, your struggles, or your plans.
Therefore, you must develop a mental filter.
This filter helps you separate facts from emotions and compare what people say with the plans and purpose you have for your life.
Sometimes, the truth can be communicated in the wrong way. However, we must be careful to recognise the truth regardless of who says it, rather than basing our judgement solely on the person who said it.
It does not matter whether it is your parents, friends, or loved ones who have spoken negatively about you. If you allow their words to define you, you may eventually begin to prove them right.
Listen, it would be unrealistic to claim that such words will never hurt you. They can hurt. But this is where the principle of pause and reflect becomes important.
It is wrong to suppress your feelings or pretend that you are not affected. Instead, observe your thoughts and emotions, and compare them with what you are working towards.
Always separate yourself from the challenging situation.
For instance, if you write an examination and the result is poor, the examination was unsuccessful—not you. With this mindset, you have the opportunity to critically examine what led to the poor result and determine what you can do differently next time.
This is not about living in denial. It is about refusing to become trapped in emotions and shame by believing that because you failed at something, you are a failure.
Overall, no one can look down on you without your permission.
When people become unbearable, tell them how their actions are affecting you. Address the issue, not their person. Set healthy boundaries, define what success means to you, and remember that failure is feedback about the actions you took.
You can choose to learn from that feedback, correct the loopholes and try again—or avoid failure altogether and remain stagnant in life.
Those who fear criticism, mistakes and failure rarely achieve anything worthwhile.
Be kind to people. Mind what you say to people, and know what you are willing to accept from people.
At the end of the day, you are the one who defines who you are by what you choose to believe about yourself.
Smile and be kind. God is ever faithful.
I remain your friend and brother,
Maazi Onuora Obodoechi.
